As parents, we all understand the injustice of being judged, as if our children lack empathy and don’t care about others’ feelings. We know very well that it’s exactly the opposite. Autistic people are usually extremely sensitive and emotional. Emotional overload is as frequent as sensory overload and can be triggered even by simple eye contact. So, where does this opinion come from? Well, autism is a set of neurological and cognitive differences. Autistic people see differently, hear differently and feel differently, to neurotypicals. Different things are interesting to them, and different things are boring. Different things are important. Even gestures, facial expressions, and body language are different – not to mention the ways of communicating, which can sometimes be extremely different. The bigger differences between people, the more difficult it is to understand each other. The same problem can occur between people with completely different life experiences, for example rich people and those who have experienced poverty, or people from different cultures.
Yes, autistic people struggle to understand “other people’s” emotions, but it’s only if “other people” are neurotypical. And it’s not only their problem. “Other people” do not understand autistics. Do autistic people care about other people’s emotions? Yes, they do, even if sometimes their facial expressions and gestures are misread by neurotypicals and “reduced” (neurotypical facial expressions and gestures are never read as “excessive”), which is wrongly understood as a lack of emotion. Very frequently, autistic people learn using their intellect what they can’t understand with their intuition. Over time, they became experts in analysing and understanding others. At the same time, neurotypical people do not do much to understand autistics. It’s like expecting people worldwide (and sometimes even aliens) to speak English. It’s expected of autistic people to undertake special efforts (“therapies”) to improve their understanding of others. There is no expectation for neurotypical people to do anything extra to understand autistics. Their lack of empathy seems to be no problem. If they don’t understand autistics, they will say, “He is weird”, “She is awkward”, and that’s it. The responsibility is always on the autistic side. I frequently hear about autistic kids who are bullied at school, and sometimes even the parents often blame it on their kids themselves. They are bullied because they have poor social skills, can’t make friends, or are not confident enough. They need social skills training or counselling. Do they? What about the bullies? Does anybody consider whether they need social skills training or counselling? Maybe they need it much more than their victims. And why do our kids struggle to befriend anybody? Is it because they don’t care about others? Or is it because the world around them does not undertake any effort to understand them?
Let’s ask again: Do autistic people understand other people’s feelings? Can they empathise with others? YES! If others are also autistic, they can. In the same way, neurotypical people can understand the emotions of other neurotypicals. Empathy is a two-way street.
The double empathy problem was first described by autistic sociologist Doctor Damian Milton in 2012. It was an answer to the earlier academic concept of “deficit of theory of mind” in autistic people. It means that autistic people cannot theorise about other people’s feelings, thoughts, wishes, etc. Milton argues that it works the other way as well. If you want to learn more, search for Milton’s’ works on double empathy, or watch his videos on YouTube. This video is also helpful:
An introduction to the double empathy problem.